If you have a young child and access to the internet, there’s a very good chance you’re a member of at least one online mom group. An invaluable resource for new and seasoned moms alike, these groups are often a lifeline for a mother who’s panicking about her milk supply or worried about a fever in the middle of the night. But it seems no matter the size or niche of your mom group, you’ll find at least a handful of these classic types of moms popping up in the comments section time and time again.
1. The Know It All
This mom chimes in on every post, because she knows a lot about raising kids, okay? Like, even when you specifically ask boy moms to tell you their favorite overnight diapers for boys, this mother of two girls is not going to miss her opportunity to drop all the diapering knowledge.
2. The “Momtrepreneur”
No, not the mom who co-founded a tech startup. This is the mom who hosts online “parties” to sell leggings, oils, and wraps. And I get it: everyone’s just trying to make enough to get by these days, and multi-level marketing companies can be appealing to women who don’t want to work outside the home but would still like to bring in a little income. But when I’m trying to figure out why my wonderful night sleeper won’t nap, and this mom suggests an essential oil blend — that I can “easily” DIY with $175 of her product — I lose all patience and understanding.
3. The New Mom Who’s Somehow Still Interested in Sex
“Fellow mamas, I know I’m supposed to wait a full six weeks, but I’m four weeks PP and I didn’t tear at all and I’m dying to get things back to normal with my husband. Do you think I’ll be okay if I just go for it?”
Down in the comment thread, you learn she and her husband had sex about nine times A WEEK before baby. You Facebook stalk her and realize she’s 23. Bless.
4. The Passionate Vegan
While I commend your commitment to health and animal welfare, sometimes I just want to be able to whine to other moms about the fact that my kid will only eat mac-and-cheese without a diatribe on why humans shouldn’t eat dairy. I already feel bad enough about feeding my kid the same thing three nights in a row, okay?
5. The Serial Poster
This mom posts every day. Sometimes twice a day. If you don’t see her post on Wednesday, you’re relieved, but you also wonder if something bad happened. Then then she comes back strong on Thursday with three posts. Does she really have this many questions or does she just love attention from other women she’s never going to meet IRL? Whatever you do, try not to get too annoyed by her. It’s easy to scroll on by, or even hide her. And whether she’s lacking confidence in her parenting skills or desperately seeking a connection with other adults, she probably needs the group more than you know.
6. The Intactivist
Some parents choose to circumcise their boys. Others don’t. Of the latter group, there’s a very passionate and vocal contingent known as “intactivists” — people who believe circumcision is medically unnecessary and equate it with female genital mutilation. While there are arguments to be made on both sides of the circumcision debate, The Intactivist may try and make you feel like a monster if it comes up that your son’s been snipped. The takeaway: steer clear of penis-talk.
7. The Medical Professional
If you’re lucky, at least one member of your group is a doctor, nurse practitioner, or other medical professional. You (barely) hold back from directly tagging her with a question about your kid’s rash or your own tonsils, but you’re glad when she chimes in to put your mind at ease about that ingrown hair on your outer labia (but seriously, isn’t there another group for that?). You’re also super thankful when she tells The Momtrepreneur that, no, you absolutely should not use essential oils on your newborn.
8. The Poop-Picture-Posting Mom
Look, we all know your baby’s first weird diaper can be alarming. And, sure, your trusted mom-group compatriots have likely seen a terrifying poop or two in their day and may have some insight. Poop pictures are totally fair game in a Facebook mom group, but for the love of all things, PUT THE POOP PICTURE IN THE COMMENTS (if you must at all) — not in the original post.
9. The Sleep-Trainer Shamer
This is the mom who believes any kind of sleep training is child abuse and that letting your baby cry for more than 30 seconds will cause lifelong psychological and emotional problems. And she will let your entire group (and likely her entire Facebook feed) know her feelings every single chance she gets. But you know what else causes psychological and emotional problems? For everyone? Sleep deprivation.
10. The Anti-Vaxxer
Oh, boy. Here we go.
11. The Super-Religious Mom
Me: “Sh*#. My kid dropped an F-bomb at preschool today. What should I do? Spend the night frantically searching for new schools? Try to have a rational talk with a two year old about how it’s not okay to say those things outside the home? Buy the teacher a case of wine? All of the above?”
Her: “Praying. 🙏”
12. The Lurker
Okay, you never actually see this one, but you do realize that for every mom described above, there are, like, 10 other moms in your group who never post or comment, right? Maybe they’re not asking questions or dropping advice like The Know It All, but it doesn’t mean they’re not benefitting from the group discussions. And they’re laughing right along with you at those big ole poop photos.