The Christmas Miracle That is Peppermint Bark: One Dad’s Ode

While my wife was in the bathroom, I rang our doorbell and pretended that someone had dropped off some Trader Joe’s Peppermint Bark for us so she wouldn’t know that I just bought an entire package for myself. I quickly came clean and admitted what I had done (because I’m the son of a puppeteer and am genetically predisposed to be honest at all times). But if I had to lie, I’d lie for peppermint bark. That Christmas-time crack is hands down the best holiday treat of all time. You disagree? Let’s compare peppermint bark with some of its fellow holiday (so-called) greats.

Classic yule log.  America likes things big with everything on it, but what is this thing? Is it cake? Is it frosting? What am I eating here? Peppermint bark, however, is straightforward. It’s honest. Candy cane and chocolate. Boom. Let’s keep it simple, people.

Gingerbread people. I love me the taste of ginger, but it’s hard for me to get past the fact that I’m eating something shaped into a tiny body. And that little fondant smile begging me not to eat it doesn’t help. Peppermint bark comes in squares like a classic holiday treat should. Next!

Fruitcake. I’ve never had fruitcake before, but according to a reputable source (Wikipedia), “fruitcake is a cake made of dried nuts and fruits and soaked in spices.”  Which sucks. Peppermint bark is better. Honestly, anything is better.

Hanukkah gelt. Look, I’m all about my people’s lox and pastrami and other Jewish delights, but gelt is nothing more than very bland chocolate in a circle shape. But the chocolate-y peppermint mix of the bark is never bland. It’s a Christmas miracle! Also putting a damper on gelt is the fact that Trader Joe’s calls it “Coins of the World.”  C’mon, Trader Joe’s! It may not be tasty, but GELT IS GELT!

Christmas macarons. First of all, these aren’t really holiday treats. They’re just expensive macarons with Christmas stuff on them. You can’t just put a beard on a chocolate and call it a chocolate chip Jesus! But fancy bakeries push these as holiday treats, and these things are too elitist to hang with peppermint bark, AKA the dessert of the people! USA! USA!!

Eggnog ice cream. I mean… really? Isn’t eggnog gross enough? Now you’re gonna ruin a nice pint of vanilla ice cream by mixing it in there? Know why there’s no peppermint bark ice cream? Because we (yeah, I said we) don’t need no gimmicks. We’re just keeping it real with how delicious we are.

Well, I think that settles the debate. Peppermint bark is easily the best. If you have any better holiday dessert choices, feel free to tweet me @whalecave, and I’ll happily shoot it down in 280 characters or less. In the meantime, I’ll be breaking off little pieces of peppermint bark and sneaking them into all of my meals like any respectable adult should.

Like what you see? Sign up for our weekly newsletter!

Matt Price lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. He won an Emmy Award as a writer on the Cartoon Network’s “Regular Show” and has also written for other shows on TBS and Comedy Central. He loves music and hot dogs and can sometimes be seen enjoying both on Instagram at @mattyprizzle.