From: Alice Leiter <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: May 6, 2019
Subject: I FOUND THE PERFECT CAMP
In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s f-ing May. And up until a few hours ago my summer camp calendar had tumbleweeds blowing around in it. Yours too? OK well you can stop stressing right now because I am writing with the solution to all our problems.
Yes, I’m not kidding: I’ve found The. Perfect. Camp. It’s not full, it’s close by, there’s no “application portal” or app you have to download… Wait keep reading! I’m not high, I promise!
The facility is so strange – it’s just a…“field”? Pic below for reference.
I know, it looks shockingly different without all those uniformed, shin-guarded children and bored parents crowding every available inch. But anyway it’s right in the middle of that big park by the creek – you know, the one with the easy lot where there is always available parking? (BTW in my research I didn’t see any detailed “drop-off protocol” so it doesn’t sound like there’s a carpool-line service. I think we’re expected to just park on our own and… walk our children in? I think that sounds fun!)
One thing you’re probably wondering is whether there’s early morning drop-off for handwriting tutorials or math enrichment, or any late-afternoon “Coding for Kidz” options. The website didn’t mention any, so I called. The guy on the phone said we’re encouraged to let our kids hang out in pajamas watching cartoons before camp starts; when I asked what they should do after camp ends, he said “I don’t know, take them home and grab a box of popsicles and head outside? Do you have a hose?”
(I of course Googled him after our call. Most obvious spoiler alert ever: he’s hot.)
Oh yeah, so the activities they have include jumping rope, “bracelet-making” (I guess with embroidery thread?), slip-n-slide, kickball, arts & crafts, and then “creek activities.” I made sure to ask Mr. Hot for more info on that last one; he said that’s basically wading, fishing and splashing (?!?!?!?). I asked if they need to pack swimsuits every day and he said “for what?” This guy KILLS me!
The prices are SO reasonable and probably one reason is they serve only graham crackers and “bug juice” for snack. And no, that doesn’t refer to some high-protein insect-varietal available exclusively at Whole Foods, though I have no doubt Jessica Alba will come out with an organic take on it soon, lol. No it’s Kool-Aid, which doesn’t even have any kale in it!
It’s strange – I poked around for awhile but couldn’t find any sunblock waivers, photo releases, six-part medical forms or “weather hotlines” on the website. I know, that last one weirded me out too, so I asked Mr. Hot. Apparently when it rains the kids… get wet? I was like “hahahaha, but actually: how far in advance of a bad forecast can a person cancel?” And then I asked if they’re closed the day after rain, too, to preserve the grass. He was quiet for a long time on the other end of the phone and then asked if I was OK.
(My Google searches haven’t yet made clear whether he’s married; I’m on it.)
OK who’s in? I know this camp is a little “out there” and there’s no foreign language immersion or any “theme.” But the more I learn about it the more charmed I become, and I’ve decided to live a little and go for the adventure- and just embrace it.
Know who else I want to embrace? Ok sorry I’ll stop talking about him.