After months of social distancing, some parents are feeling a little claustrophobic and considering teaming up with other families, AKA “quaranteaming,” prompting conversations like this one all across the country…
WIFE: I just got a text from Allie about maybe quaranteaming with their family.
HUSBAND: I thought we were thinking of quaranteaming with the Bennetts.
WIFE: You know I love them, but their son Jayden is so aggressive. He’ll break Hailey’s arm.
HUSBAND: Not sure I can be in a quaranteam with Allie.
WIFE: She’s one of my best friends!
HUSBAND: She says “hashtag” when she’s describing things. Like “hashtag awesome” or “hashtag social distancing.”
HUSBAND: So she’s a grown woman.
WIFE: This could go on for months. For years. Hailey needs a kid her age to play with.
HUSBAND: What about those kids in her weekly Zoom Hamilton Sing-Along?
WIFE: She needs real kids.
HUSBAND: What do you mean “real kids?” That kid who plays Lafayette is as real as it gets.
WIFE: Can we get back to this please? We need a quaranteam. Families are already pairing themselves up left and right.
HUSBAND: OK, OK, let’s just think for a second… what about Dan’s family?
WIFE: They’re quaranteaming with Peter and Georgia.
HUSBAND: Dan asked Peter before me? Dan hates Peter.
WIFE: They looked pretty chummy on Facebook drinking those Quarantinis.
HUSBAND: What a dick. Well, good luck with that. Peter doesn’t even wash his hands when he goes to the bathroom.
WIFE: How do you know?
HUSBAND: We went to the bathroom together at a Clippers game, and he said washing hands is fake news.
WIFE: OK, that’s just gross. Listen, I really think we should reconsider Allie’s family. Her husband is a great guy…
WIFE / HUSBAND [overlapping]: …he does his own composting.
HUSBAND: I know, he talks about it all the time. Does Hailey even like Allie’s kid?
WIFE: Jojo? Yeah. They’re like best friends.
HUSBAND: Seems like Jojo makes her cry all the time.
WIFE: Everything makes Hailey cry. She cried just before bed because I said goodnight with a British accent.
HUSBAND: Oh, here’s a crazy quaranteam idea: Larry and Colette. Boom.
HUSBAND: What? Why?
WIFE: Because Colette and I have nothing in common.
HUSBAND: Whaaaaaaat? Sure you do.
WIFE: She’s like fifteen years younger than me. She speaks in French half the time. And she walks around in see-through halter tops.
HUSBAND: She does? Huh. I’ve never noticed that.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe Dan. He was my best man.
WIFE: Hey! Let it go! We’re losing valuable time! We’re going to be alone forever. Wait, I’ve got it: Sofia and Jonas.
HUSBAND: Who are they?
WIFE: Eva’s parents. They live around the corner. We could walk there. And… they have a dog.
HUSBAND: They’re too cool for us.
WIFE: What do you mean?
HUSBAND: He manages bands. She makes her own pants.
WIFE: So what? If this keeps going, we might need someone to make us pants!
HUSBAND: I agree, but they play by their own rules. Normally that’s great, but in a quaranteam we need to be sure that everyone is playing by the same rules.
WIFE: You’re looking for reasons to be alone for the rest of our lives.
HUSBAND: Sorry if I’m being careful during a pandemic!
WIFE: Fine, you know what? Forget it. Why don’t we just Zoom with people forever and live our lives like we’re a family of avatars who look out from inside a screen and never interact with humans ever again.
HUSBAND: Look. I’m sorry. We’ve been safe and healthy, and that’s what’s most important to me. But I know that mental health is just as valuable right now, so if quaranteaming with Allie’s family will make you happy, then I’m in.
WIFE: I love you.
HUSBAND: I love you too.
[Wife texts Allie. Allie writes back immediately.]
WIFE: No! We’re too late!
HUSBAND: What? Seriously?!
WIFE: They’re going with the Bennetts because they got an adult bounce house.
HUSBAND: Dammit! I hope they don’t break their arm in that stupid bounce house!
WIFE: Hashtag a*^%$#s!