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Picking Quaranteams: Hope it Won’t Ruin Your Marriage!

picking quaranteams picking quaranteams

After months of social distancing, some parents are feeling a little claustrophobic and considering teaming up with other families, AKA “quaranteaming,” prompting conversations like this one all across the country…


WIFE: I just got a text from Allie about maybe quaranteaming with their family.

HUSBAND: I thought we were thinking of quaranteaming with the Bennetts.

WIFE: You know I love them, but their son Jayden is so aggressive. He’ll break Hailey’s arm.

HUSBAND: Not sure I can be in a quaranteam with Allie.

WIFE: She’s one of my best friends!

HUSBAND: She says “hashtag” when she’s describing things. Like “hashtag awesome” or “hashtag social distancing.”

WIFE: So?

HUSBAND: So she’s a grown woman.

WIFE: This could go on for months. For years. Hailey needs a kid her age to play with.

HUSBAND: What about those kids in her weekly Zoom Hamilton Sing-Along?

WIFE: She needs real kids.

HUSBAND: What do you mean “real kids?” That kid who plays Lafayette is as real as it gets.

WIFE: Can we get back to this please? We need a quaranteam. Families are already pairing themselves up left and right.

HUSBAND: OK, OK, let’s just think for a second… what about Dan’s family?

WIFE: They’re quaranteaming with Peter and Georgia.

HUSBAND: Dan asked Peter before me? Dan hates Peter.

WIFE: They looked pretty chummy on Facebook drinking those Quarantinis.

HUSBAND: What a dick. Well, good luck with that. Peter doesn’t even wash his hands when he goes to the bathroom.

WIFE: How do you know?

HUSBAND: We went to the bathroom together at a Clippers game, and he said washing hands is fake news.

WIFE: OK, that’s just gross. Listen, I really think we should reconsider Allie’s family. Her husband is a great guy…

WIFE / HUSBAND [overlapping]: …he does his own composting.

HUSBAND: I know, he talks about it all the time. Does Hailey even like Allie’s kid?

WIFE: Jojo? Yeah. They’re like best friends.

HUSBAND: Seems like Jojo makes her cry all the time.

WIFE: Everything makes Hailey cry. She cried just before bed because I said goodnight with a British accent.

HUSBAND: Oh, here’s a crazy quaranteam idea: Larry and Colette. Boom.

WIFE: Uh…no.

HUSBAND: What? Why?

WIFE: Because Colette and I have nothing in common.

HUSBAND: Whaaaaaaat? Sure you do.

WIFE: She’s like fifteen years younger than me. She speaks in French half the time. And she walks around in see-through halter tops.

HUSBAND: She does? Huh. I’ve never noticed that.

WIFE: Right.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe Dan. He was my best man.

WIFE: Hey! Let it go! We’re losing valuable time! We’re going to be alone forever. Wait, I’ve got it: Sofia and Jonas.

HUSBAND: Who are they?

WIFE: Eva’s parents. They live around the corner. We could walk there. And… they have a dog.

HUSBAND: They’re too cool for us.

WIFE: What do you mean?

HUSBAND: He manages bands. She makes her own pants.

WIFE: So what? If this keeps going, we might need someone to make us pants!

HUSBAND: I agree, but they play by their own rules. Normally that’s great, but in a quaranteam we need to be sure that everyone is playing by the same rules.

WIFE: You’re looking for reasons to be alone for the rest of our lives.

HUSBAND: Sorry if I’m being careful during a pandemic!

WIFE: Fine, you know what? Forget it. Why don’t we just Zoom with people forever and live our lives like we’re a family of avatars who look out from inside a screen and never interact with humans ever again.

HUSBAND: Look. I’m sorry. We’ve been safe and healthy, and that’s what’s most important to me. But I know that mental health is just as valuable right now, so if quaranteaming with Allie’s family will make you happy, then I’m in.

WIFE: Really?

HUSBAND: Really.

WIFE: I love you.

HUSBAND: I love you too.

[Wife texts Allie. Allie writes back immediately.] 

WIFE: No! We’re too late!

HUSBAND: What? Seriously?!

WIFE: They’re going with the Bennetts because they got an adult bounce house.

HUSBAND: Dammit! I hope they don’t break their arm in that stupid bounce house!

WIFE: Hashtag a*^%$#s!

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Matt Price lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. He won an Emmy Award as a writer on the Cartoon Network’s “Regular Show” and has also written for other shows on TBS and Comedy Central. He loves music and hot dogs and can sometimes be seen enjoying both on Instagram at @mattyprizzle.